Labels: dating/relationships

• Recognize your insecurities. What does that voice in the back of your mind say? What makes you ashamed of yourself? This could be anything from acne, to regrets, or friends at school. Whatever is making you feel unworthy, ashamed, or inferior, identify it, give it a name, and write it down.
  
• Don't view yourself as inferior to others. Don't walk around with the subconscious mindset that others are better or more qualified than you, whether it's related to work, school, or just socializing. To a certain degree, it's good to walk around with a feeling of superiority.
• However, don't take this too far, or you'll come across as a jerk.
  
• Talk about it with friends and loved ones. Wear it on your sleeve. Each day you should chip away at it; wear it down. There's no quick fix. Get to the root of the problem; focus on it and understand that you need to resolve each issue before you can move on.
  
• Remember that no one is perfect. Even the most confident people have insecurities. At some point in any of our lives, we may feel we lack something. That is reality. Learn that life is full of bumps down the road.
  
• Identify your successes. Everyone is good at something, so discover the things at which you excel, then focus on your talents. Give yourself permission to take pride in them. Give yourself credit for your successes. Inferiority is a state of mind in which you've declared yourself a victim. Do not allow yourself to be victimized. Express yourself, whether it's through art, music, writing, etc. Find something you enjoy. Everyone is born with talents and strengths. You can develop and excel in yours. If it's difficult to name two or three things you have some ability in or just plain love to do, think about things others do that you would like to do too and take some lessons or join an enthusiasts club. When you're following your passion, not only will it have a therapeutic effect, but you'll feel unique and accomplished, all of which can help build your self confidence. Plus, adding a variety of interests to your life will not only make you more confident, but it will increase your chances of meeting compatible friends!
  
• Be thankful for what you have. A lot of the times, at the root of insecurity and lack of confidence is a feeling of not having enough of something, whether it's emotional validation, good luck, money, etc. By acknowledging and appreciating what you do have, you can combat the feeling of being incomplete and unsatisfied. Finding that inner peace will do wonders for your confidence.
  
• Be Positive, even if you don't feel positive. Avoid self-pity, or the pity and sympathy of others. Never allow others to make you feel inferior--they can only do so if you let them. If you continue to loathe and belittle yourself, others are going to do and believe likewise. Instead, speak positively about yourself, about your future, and about your progress. Do not be afraid to project your strengths and qualities to others. By doing so, you reinforce those ideas in your mind and encourage your growth in a positive direction.
  
• Accept compliments gracefully. Don't roll your eyes and say, "Yeah, right," or shrug it off. Take it to heart and respond positively ("Thank you" and a smile works well).
  Look in the mirror and smile. Studies surrounding what's called the "facial feedback theory" suggest that the expressions on your face can actually encourage your brain to register certain emotions. So by looking in the mirror and smiling every day, you might feel happier with yourself and more confident in the long run.
  
  
• I am gorgeous, huh?Fake it. Along the same lines of smiling to make yourself feel happy, acting confident might actually make you believe it. Pretend you're a completely confident version of you; go through the motions and see how you feel
  Stick to your principles. It might be tough, but if you don't have something you can believe in, you don't have anything. If you don't stand for something, you will fall for anything. No matter what's happened in your life, you can always lay claim to the fact that from this day forward, you've followed your principles to the best of your ability.
  
• Help others. When you know you're kind to the people around you, and are making a positive difference in other people's lives (even if it's just being kinder to the person who serves you coffee in the morning), you'll know that you are a positive force in the world--which will boost your self confidence. Go volunteer twice a month at an elementary school. Bake something for your neighbor for no reason. Confidence that you have earned is the most long-lasting.
  
• Don't Care What Other People Think You shouldn't care about what other people will think or are going to think because what's important is that you are fine with yourself and if you're fine with yourself, others will be fine with you!

Tips:

• Exercise and eat healthy. Exercise raises endorphins and makes one feel happier and healthier. It is certainly an easy and effective way to boost your self-confidence.
  
• When you're feeling superbly insecure, write down a list of things that are good about you. Then read the list back. You'd be surprised at what you can come up with.
  Turn feelings of envy or jealousy into a desire to achieve. Stop wanting what others have just because they have it; seek things simply because you want them, whether anybody else has them or not.
  
• Don't be afraid to push yourself a bit - a little bit of pressure can actually show just how good you are!
  
• Take a wilderness experience course such as those found at Outward Bound or NOLS. Learning how to survive in the wilderness will build your confidence in other areas of life too. You can also try taking a martial arts or fitness class/course (or both). This will help build confidence and strength.
  
• Try to make yourself talk positively at all times. When you hear yourself saying you can't do something, stop and say you can. Unless you try, you will never know whether you are able to or not.
  
• Everyone is beautiful in their own way; don't let anyone tell you differently. Remember to tell yourself that you are beautiful every day; even if you don't believe it, one day you will.
  
• Money, luck, beauty, and all other material things are just an illusion of happiness. It misleads us to believe we will feel excellent if we have these things or have fun, but in the long run, you will discover that while these things aren't necessarily horrible, they are only mere satisfactions. You will realize having the American Eagle jacket, Nike Shoes, or an attractively rich person flirting with you is only a satisfaction, so you in the end you might feel glad you've gotten what you wanted, but you'll want more and more until you reach happiness. It'll be you just running for happiness blindly until you are worn out.
  
• Happiness is not all about being lucky, attractive, or the best, but rather feeling joyful in yourself, letting go of your insecurities, and having real fun. Sometimes going clubbing is also what the media tags as being the most fun thing, and it can be, but you decide what feels wonderful and happily fun. The reason people also reflect back to their childhood as "the good ole days" is because that's when being the richest or prettiest doesn't count really, and when we were able to release ourselves and have true fun, feeling happy and confident.
  
• Keep smiling all the time. It will help you feel more confident.
  Say what comes to your mind; since your instinct thought of it, it's probably the right thing for you. Trusting your instinct will provide you with confidence to make the right decision at the right time.
  
• Practice good posture. Our body posture represents what we are at that particular time. A simple habit that we can learn and implement is to stand and sit correctly. Your proper body posture will speak for you; how you stand sends out a message to the world, and in turn, back to you.
  
• Avoid perfectionism. Perfectionism paralyzes you and keeps you from accomplishing your goals.
  
• Write something on wikiHow! If you have a suggestion for anything, then share it. You will feel good for contributing, helping someone, and having your voice heard.
  It is important that you take a oath every morning that you will do wonders today. Never think negative about yourself.
  
• You can provide yourself with an extra measure of confidence by using the Best Me Technque of self-hypnosis to pre-experience the rewards of a long-term goal, thereby reducing or eliminating the need for "will power."
  Self confidence is also about knowledge. Improve your knowledge on subjects which you feel are interesting.
  
• Be true and honest to yourself. You will never be confident in yourself if you don't accept yourself and all the imperfections you may have because, although you may have imperfections, you have natural talents too. Also, you must accept the fact that you are not and never will be "perfect" but you are who you are. Finally, you may have high expectations for yourself but if you just work hard and play hard, that's all you can ask for.
  
• If you spend a lot of time wondering or worrying what people think of you, try focusing on something else. Dwell on a book you just read, the state of the world today, Somali pirates... or just listen to music. You will feel better, develop your personality, and look much less awkward. If you happen to glance up and catch someone's eye, smile! Because you da bomb...

Warnings:

• Don't get wrapped up in your mistakes and dwell on bad points; they can be a healthy contrast to your good points or even give you something to improve. There's no feeling like being good at something you were really bad at.
  
• Don't confuse what you have with who you are. People degrade their self worth when comparing possessions.
  
• Surround yourself with nurturing friends, not overly critical individuals who make you feel inadequate or insecure. This could do great harm and damage to your self confidence.
  Do not try to become confident in the sole interest of finding a partner. You will regret creating a false personality as the relationship goes along.
  
• It's good to have a lot of confidence, but don't build it up so much that you get egotistical and annoying.
  
• Lack of confidence is not necessarily a curse! So do not worry. Many ignorant, fanatic and maniac people are confident but is that desirable? No. Building self confidence should be associated with simultaneous growth from within. Thus by overcoming pettiness and superficiality you can build unshakable self confidence
• Do not mistake being loud and cocky as confidence. Often this is just a way of somebody with lots of insecurities to cover it up, therefore not being confident at all. Confidence is being happy with yourself and not allowing what other people think of you to affect you, you should only care about what you think of yourself.
  
• Don't get suckered into thinking ads like the one at the end of this wikiHow are a quick fix. No one can sell you a magic solution to make you self confident, you need to prove yourself to yourself.

Labels: character

• 
  Find yourself. You can't be yourself if you don't know, understand, and accept yourself first. It should be your primary goal to find this out. Try to take time to yourself and contemplate your life and choices. Try to think about what kind of things you would or wouldn't like to do, and act accordingly; finding out through trial and error helps more than you might think it does. You can even take personality tests, but be careful to only take what you want from them and not let them define you. Work on accepting mistakes and choices you've made; they're done and in the past, so there is no use crying over spilled milk.
  
• Stop caring about how people perceive you. The fact is, it really doesn't matter. It's impossible to be yourself when you're caught up in wondering "Do they think I'm funny? Does she think I'm fat? Do they think I'm stupid?" To be yourself, you've got to let go of these concerns and just let your behavior flow, with only your consideration of others as a filter — not their consideration of you. Besides, if you change yourself for one person or group, another person or group may not like you, and you could go around in a vicious cycle trying to please people; it's totally pointless in the end. However, if someone you trust and respect critiques aspects of who you are, feel free to judge (honestly) whether or not it is accurate instead of dismissing the critique automatically or accepting it indefinitely.
  
• Be honest and open. What have you got to hide? We're all imperfect, growing, learning human beings. If you feel ashamed or insecure about any aspect of yourself — and you feel that you have to hide those parts of you, whether physically or emotionally — then you have to come to terms with that and learn to convert your so-called flaws into individualistic quirks. Be honest with yourself, but don't beat yourself up; apply this philosophy to others, as well. There is a difference between being critical and being honest; learn to watch the way you say things to yourself and others when being honest.
  
• Relax. Stop worrying about the worst that could happen, especially in social situations. So what if you fall flat on your face? Or get spinach stuck in your teeth? Learn to laugh at yourself both when it happens and afterwards. Turn it into a funny story that you can share with others. It lets them know that you're not perfect and makes you feel more at ease, too. It's also an attractive quality for someone to be able to laugh at themselves and not take themselves too seriously!
  
• Develop and express your individuality. Whether it's your sense of style, or even your manner of speaking, if your preferred way of doing something strays from the mainstream, then be proud of it... unless it's destructive to yourself or others. Be a character, not a type.
  
• Have a productive day. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and that some days, you're the statue. People might raise eyebrows and even make fun, but as long as you can shrug and say "Hey, that's just me" and leave it at that, people will ultimately respect you for it, and you'll respect yourself.
  
• Believe in who you are. If you're always working to be someone you're not, you'll never be a happy person. Be yourself and show the world you're proud of the way you are! Nobody knows you better than you and that's how it should be. You deserve to be your own best friend, so start trying to figure out how you can do that. If you had to hang out with yourself for a day, what is the most fun type of person you could be, while still being yourself? What is the best version of you? Believe in this idea and use that as your starting point.
  
• Follow your own style. The common thing a lot of people do is copy other's actions because it seems like the better route to fit in, but really, shouldn't you stand out? Standing out yes, is very hard, but you need to try avoid assuming other people's perspectives of you. Maybe you like to sit outside on the deck under a umbrella in the middle of the rain, maybe you have different ideas of things, rather than other people, maybe you like strawberry cake instead of the common chocolate cake, whatever you are, accept it. Being different is absolutely beautiful and it attracts people to you.

Tips:

• There's a difference between being yourself and being rude. You might have your opinions, dreams, and preferences, but so does everyone else. You shouldn't disrespect people who disagree with you; they have the privilege of being themselves just as you do. Conversely, don't agree with something you honestly don't think is right; just don't try to force your opinions on other people.
  
• If fads or trends strike your fancy, don't avoid them! Being yourself is all about reflecting who you are inside in what you do, and what you like is what you like, no matter how trendy it is (or not trendy, for that matter)!
  
• As the famous song goes, "Life's not worth a darn until you can say, I am what I am." When you can sincerely say it, you will know that you can be yourself.
  
• Even if you are interested in something that doesn't interest most people, don't be afraid or hide it; stand up and show your true inner self. People will know how confident you are.
  
• Don't worry about anything but being yourself and living life to the fullest!
  If you have a habit that helps you escape your worries, e.g gaming or browsing the internet, stop going and face yourself and your insecurities.
  
• In some cases, reducing Internet dependency might help you feel more "connected" to yourself. It may be easier to nurture your individuality without the perpetual distractions of the Internet. Try not going online for a while, and if this leads you to start feeling better about yourself, then you may want to consider replacing all the excess time you spend on the Internet with offline activities, such as hobbies or clubs.

Warnings:

• Just because you don't care about how people perceive you doesn't mean you shouldn't be aware of it, especially in situations where being yourself might be misinterpreted. For example, you might enjoy being friendly and flirtatious, but in some cultures, that might be perceived as a sexual invitation, and you could get yourself in trouble.
  
• Don't lose yourself when you're with other friends. Be yourself. Don't be someone else so other people will like you; in the end, you would end up hurting other people and losing yourself.
  
• Don't think that being yourself means that you cannot change who you are. You want to be a person that you can be proud of, so if there is some way you can improve yourself, go for it. Don't allow your shortcomings to discourage you, but don't ignore them either.
  
• Make sure that you can show the same "you" to everyone consistently. If you feel the need to be secretive about something wrong you've done, you are not really being yourself; it will show and misunderstandings will occur. Do what's right. You cannot truly be yourself unless you can face yourself.
  
• Keep in mind that 'being yourself' is not always the right thing to do. Would you tell a despicable person to just be himself and not change a thing? No. Most of the time when people in general perceive you a certain way, it means you don't fit in to your society. Whether you want to fit in or not is up to you, but you are only setting yourself up for trouble when you neglect society's ways. (That is, unless you decide to live in a cave for the rest of your life.)
  
• Nobody is perfect. However, if you are outrageously flawed (for example, have a short temper), then you should look into some self-improvement rather than ignoring everyone's cues and "being yourself." Don't deny yourself of the truth by saying it's everyone else's problem and not yours. You'll only be hurting yourself in the long run.
  
• While you're being you, remember that "you" might have your flaws that might need to be changed, but only for the better (materialistic things/personality do not count, such as your favorite bag that everybody ridicules, or if you talk quietly). Goals and bad habits count. Say, you have bad acne and you've been stressing on it for a while. Don't say "well, 'I' have bad acne, and I want to be myself, so I'll give up on getting rid of it." Or if you have some bad habits, don't say "it's a part of me, that's the way it is," because you can still change yourself for the better and in ways which will make you grow.
  Being yourself can be cool it can get people to notice you but don't overdo it, sometimes its kind of good to just go with the flow and not stick out like a sore thumb
  
• Try to stop mocking people different than you, for all you know people could be making fun of you!

Labels: character

Individuality is how one expresses him or herself. Once you learn how to be yourself, let others know!
"Be yourself, everyone else is taken!"

Steps:

• Show what you love and what you are good at, this will make you shine and not be any other person. "You can be whatever you want to be but don't change yourself for society"
  "Mirror, mirror on the wall, you are great JUST as you are"
  
• Be true to yourself - the loreto way.
  
• Know exactly who you are. Figure out your likes and dislikes, and what's unique about you.

• Make a list of the things you like. You can make this fun, and no one has to see it but you.

• Be completely honest with yourself.
  
• Mold your life around what you like. It's alright if you like to make other people happy, it's good to be able to bend a little for other people. However, don't wear something to make someone else like you. Don't do the 'cool' things if you don't like them.
  
• Decorate your room the way you want it to be. If you want certain colors on your walls, buy some paint and get started! Whether you want to hang paintings or posters, or if you want to put flowers or a collection of yours on your shelves, make sure your room reflects you as a person.
  
• If something unique catches your eye, and you like it, buy it! This could be a pair of earrings, an unusual handbag or just an item of clothing that you think shows your personality well, be willing to WEAR it! ~`~
  
• Make your clothes as individual as you. Make a boring t shirt into something of your own by applying beads, sequins, badges, fabric paint, buttons, chains, ribbon, sewing detail, eyelets, iron on images and much more!
  
• If you don't like current fashions, make your own! Put together pieces of clothing that you wouldn't normally consider as a combination. Layer your clothes and accessories, and if it looks good, wear it!
  
• Don't be afraid to put your personal touches into an outfit. You could be wearing a fashionable dress, but it would be individual if you added the necklace that was passed down from your grandmother, an special pair of shoes or a pair of earrings that mean something to you.
  
• Wear clothes that you like. Don't feel pressured to wear something just because its fashionable. If you like a certain style of clothing or certain colors, wear them with pride. Ignore what everyone says, because as long as you like them, it does not matter what they think.
  
• Be happy with yourself and what you like and your personality is what makes you an individual; no one is alike ; you are the only you there is!
  
• Make your phone individual! You can buy stick on gems, rhinestones or just stickers, or you could buy a cool phone charm, phone case or phone holder. If you can, put songs on your phone that you like and have them as your ringtone. Or if your phone has the feature, make your own ringtones! You could have a picture of you and your family or friends, or a pet, as your wallpaper. You could also do this on your computer.
  
• Customize things to make them your own. Put stickers on your school books (if you are allowed), decorate your bedroom with fairy lights or charms, or brighten up a boring bedroom wall with a notice board filled with pictures of all the people and things that are special to you.
  
• Listen to the type of music that you like, and not whats popular. If you like a certain type of music, such as rock, listen to it and don't be afraid to tell people that you listen to it.
  
• Say what you feel and be honest. If you lie, you aren't showing your true feelings and letting people know how you truly feel. Tell people your dreams, your likes, dislikes, no matter how weird it feels.
  
• Check yourself in the mirror before going out. This may seem vain, but if what you see doesn't make you smile, then it's not worth it. If you find yourself adjusting your clothing constantly, it's obviously not something you're comfy in. Doesn't matter what it is, it needs to make you feel good when you see yourself!

Tips:

• Make changes gradually, don't change everything in your life at once.
  
• Be yourself—not anyone else.
  
• Prioritize, figure out what is more important to you

Warnings:

• Think about making a change, will it affect your relationship with someone else? What is more important to you... friendships could be lost.
  
• Changing too much at once can cause an overload of stress...relax.

Labels: character

• Don't let people walk all over you. Don't be rude to people for no reason, but don't laugh it off if someone does something mean to you. That only tells them it's okay to do it again. Be able to stand your ground.
  
• In the event that you get a crush on someone, try to avoid long, passionate love notes. These usually tend to scare people away and give them the impression that you have an obsessive personality. Instead, consider writing a brief note, such as, "I think you're really cute and I like you, do you want to go hang out some time?"
  
• Always be on guard. There can be some real jerks in school. People may be targeting you.
  Don't put complete trust in all of your friends. When you're in school, the social group that you're with will probably change. Don't completely cut yourself off from your closest friends completely, but be careful. If you have a friend that you hang out with sometimes, but aren't really close with, don't tell her anything that you wouldn't want the whole school knowing. If you have a friend that likes to talk behind their other friend's backs, keep in mind that she can be talking about you behind your own back, too.
  
  
• Do homework!Stay on top of your homework. Despite its boredom and tedium, it really is better for you in the long run. You won't need to repeat semesters (or even entire grade levels) if you can stay on top of your work.
  
• Don't leave your things laying around in front of other teenagers, especially if they have really personal things in them [i.e. your purse]. There are some people who will dig through your stuff the very moment that your back is turned and read whatever they find.
  
• Don't be persuaded into doing something that you don't feel comfortable with. If you're at a friend's house and everyone is having a drink, but you don't want to, that's okay. I've been there, and believe me, getting drunk and waking up the next morning remembering all the things you did is NOT fun. Not only that, but it takes a teenager just two months of regular drinking to do permanent liver damage. It takes an adult ten years.
  '
• If you're at a party, don't accept a drink from someone else. Don't leave your drink unattended. Someone could slip something into it and you would never know (the 'date rape' drug is completely tasteless). If you're going to drink, please don't do it at parties. If you get drunk enough, you're leaving yourself very vulnerable to all kinds of things. If you don't think you can gracefully say no to a drink if offered, just carry a cup with water in it.
  Don't get into cars with people you don't know very well. This goes for girls and guys. Just don't do it. Even if you know them kinda sorta from school or somewhere else. It's just not safe.
  
• Always wear deodorant and brush you teeth really well. Don't forget to brush the back of your tongue, that's the place that causes icky breath! Also, wash yourself everyday.
  
• Don't let other people hurt your feelings. Just because they call you ugly or stupid or anything else does not make it true. Chances are, they're probably just one those people that gets pleasure out of being mean.
  
• For girls: Some boys will say anything to get into your pants. Don't be afraid to say 'no' and don't be feeling guilty into doing something you don't want to do. Just because he says he loves you doesn't make it true. And, odds are, if he wants you to do something you're not comfortable with HE DOESN'T REALLY LOVE YOU. You want someone who will love you for YOU, not your body.
  
• If you have had sex and regret it, don't feel guilty. Don't be afraid to talk to a parent or another adult you love and can be open with! This is always a damn good idea. Also, know the facts! A few quick facts: Douches do not protect against pregnancy or STDs (STIs), condoms aren't 100% effective, and neither is the pill, having sex during any time of the month can result in pregnancy
• Tips:
• Tune out the rotten things people say.
  
• Have someone you can trust and talk to. A parent, a relative, a counselor (remember, counselors by law cannot share what you say to them with other people, as long as it is not something that's against the law, such as a serious death threat).
  
• If you are being harassed in any way, don't be afraid to tell someone!
  
• If you have been raped or assaulted (this goes for guys too), contact the authorities immediately. This is not your fault.
  
• Lift weights and become physically fit. Not only is it healthy but people will be scared of you.
  
• The most valuable thing you can have is self assurance. Acting vulnerable to get attention will only ever get the wrong kind- why are you taking care of yourself if you're acting like you're not worth it?
• Warnings:
• These are just suggestions. If you have a serious problem or need help ask for help from a professional or parent or other adult.

Labels: character

• Steps:
  
• Review the following Ten Warning Signs of an Abusive Relationship
  
• History of legal or discipline problems or has trouble keeping a job.
  
• Blames you for his / her anger.
  
• There is a difference between a person having an occasional bad day, and a person consistently blaming someone else for their problems.
  
• Serious drug or alcohol use or other addiction.
  
• Is the person addicted to drugs, alcohol, video games, or shopping? Do they self-medicate to try to get away from their problems? Do they try to avoid problems instead of dealing with them? If so, this person could be trouble.
  
• History of violent behavior.
  
• Threatens others regularly.
  
• Insults you or calls you names.
  
• Trouble controlling feelings like anger.
  
• Tells you what to wear, what to do or how to act. Or tries frequently to keep you away from friends or family. Isolation is a form of brain-washing and manipulation. They are trying to keep you away from people who could help you.
  
• Threatens or intimidates you in order to get their way.
  
• Do any of the above sound like your boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse? If so, then:
  
• Talk to someone that you can trust.
  
• Plan in advance to have a safe place to go. Your safe place should be 20-30 minutes drive time away. The further away it is, the less likely the person is to follow you and confront you.
  
• Keep money and your cell phone or calling card with you at all times.
  
• Establish a code word or sign so family, friends and co-workers know when to call for help. You could say "I'm meeting with Mr. Reddy." Mr. Reddy stands for "red alert" or "something is really wrong."

• Tips:
• DO NOT let a boy or a girl be in control of your actions.
  
• Think about the pros and cons about your relationship, make a list
  and see if an abusive stressful relationship is worth it.
  
• Do not think you'll not be able to find someone else to make you happy.
  
• There are plenty of people that will appreciate you and care about you without being controlling and making you feel less worthy.

Labels: character

• Do not expect anyone to be responsible for your happiness. Ask yourself why you didn't? Too often relationships fail because someone is unhappy and blames their partner. Your life is ONLY under your control, with your relationship you have to take the good with the bad. You need to give as well as take.
  
• Make and keep clear agreements. Respect the difference between yourself and your partner. Don't expect he or she agrees with you on everything. Reach mutual agreement or plan, and then commit to it. If you say you're going to meet your partner for lunch at noon, be on time, or call if you're going to be late. If you agree to have a monogamous relationship, keep that agreement. Keeping agreements shows respect for yourself and your partner, as well as creating a sense of trust and safety.
  
• Use communication to establish a common ground to understand different points of view and to create a mutual, collaborative agreement or plan. You can either choose to be right, or you can have a successful relationship. You can't always have both. Most people argue to be "right" about something. They say. "If you loved me, you would..." and argue to hear the other say, "Okay, you're right." If you are generally more interested in being right, this approach will not create a healthy relationship. Having a healthy relationship means that you have your experience, and your partner has his or her experience, and you learn to love and share and learn from those experiences. If you can't reach any mutual agreement, that doesn't mean either of you is wrong or bad.
  
• Approach your relationship as a learning experience. Each one has important information for you to learn. A true relationship will consist of both partners who need to equally contribute.
  
• Tell the unarguable truth. Be truthful to yourself and your partner if you want true love. Many people are taught to lie to protect someone's feelings, either their own or those of their partner. Lies create disconnection between you and your relationship, even if your partner never finds out about it. For any sort of relationship to work you need to have trust.
  
• Forgive one another. Forgiveness is a decision of letting go of the past and focusing on the present. It's about taking control of your current situation. Talk about the issue and try to reach a mutual agreement on how to handle the situation in the future and then commit to it. If you can't reach an agreement, it's a bad sign. If you learn from the past and do not repeat the same pattern, it's a good sign. It's the only way to prevent yourself from more disappointment, anger or resentment. Respect your partner, when your partner tells you to leave them alone, do give him or her the time and space.
  
• Review your expectations. Try to be as clear as you can about any expectations - including acceptable and unacceptable behaviour and attitudes, especially attitudes towards money. Everybody needs love, intimacy, affection, and affirmation.
  
• Be Responsible. Here's a new definition: Responsible means that you have the ability to respond. Respond to the real problem, to your true needs. It does not mean you or your partner are to blame. There is tremendous power in claiming your creation. If you've been snippy to your partner, own up to it and say sorry " You'll be amazed how this works"
  
• Appreciate yourself and your partner. In the midst of an argument, it can be difficult to find something to appreciate. Start by generating appreciation in moments of non-stress, and that way when you need to be able to do it during a stressful conversation, it will be easier. One definition of appreciation is to be sensitively aware so you don't have to be sugar-coating anything; so tell your beloved that you love him or her, and that you don't want to argue but to talk and make it better.
  
• Admit your mistakes and say sorry. Right after a misunderstanding or argument, tell your partner to give you some time to think of the wrong and right things that you and he/she did. Tell your partner to do the same thing and talk to them after 10-15 minutes. Tell your partner to give you time to talk and explain to them why you were angry, the wrong things you did, the things they did that you did not like and what you would like them to change. Ask your partner to do the same thing and give them a fair chance to talk and explain also. This will make your relationship stronger and help strengthen the communication between you and your partner.
  
• Spend some quality time together- No matter how busy you two are, there is always an excitement when you do something together, when you share your precious time. Play a sport, eat at a restaurant, watch your favorite movies together. You will feel the magic of love and connection that you have with each other.
  
• Laugh Not only is it true that laughter is the best medicine, but it's also true that laughter can make a great relationship. In a tedious relationship, it is hard to communicate with your partner and share humorous feelings. Not only does laughing bring you two closer, but it also makes you seem fun and approachable.

• Tips:
• Know yourself and be honest with yourself and love yourself -- first! Only then can you truly appreciate and love someone else.
  
• Take good care of yourself. Treating yourself with respect and love is as important as respecting and loving your partner. Conduct yourself with dignity, even if you're very familiar with one another.
  
• All good relationships are based upon mutual respect. If you do not feel respect for your partner, or believe your partner is losing respect for you, then consider ways of rebuilding it immediately. Respect is the key. If you have true respect for one another, then nothing can go wrong. You just have to find the right person to respect, this is the hard part.
  
• Ask questions, clarify, don't assume. Do not talk if your mind is not clear or full of anger. When you feel hurt, do not say "you don't love me / you never loved me" or "let's break up" or "when do you want to break up?". You will regret one day. Tell him or her you feel hurt, and ask for clarification first.
  
• Treat your partner the way you want to be treated. Be gentle and kind. Apologize if your partner feels hurt(but dont let them make you feel bad). Apology does not mean you are bad, it only means you care. When you are full of anger, it will surely burst out of your mouth if you open it. Calm down first, then think it through, then try to talk. When your partner asks to be left alone, do not blame or criticize. Show your respect and support by give him or her the time and space to calm down and think it through first. But do not leave any unsolved problem for too long.
  
• Be the first to tell your partner, either positive or negative. Trust is as essential as respect. If you want your partner to trust you, trust him or her first. Letting your partner play guessing games may lead to misunderstanding and frustration. But, don't just tell him or her the issue, also talk about your plan to solve it.
  
• Strike while the iron is cold. Know when to be reflective and invoke principles. When the house is burning is no time to teach fire safety principles.
  Communicate with your partner. Without communication, there is no relationship. Stay in touch by, for example, calling your partner even if it's just to say 'hi' and 'I love you'.
  
• Avoid any activity that could cause your partner to experience doubt, suspicion or distrust - build your credibility and earn trust and respect by always communicating truthfully and proactively, and always keep your words. In this way, if something happens which looks incriminating, your partner will believe you if you claim you are innocent. Past behavior predicts future actions - building a solid foundation of trust and integrity will take you far.
• However, ultimately your life and where it takes you is more important than your obligations to someone else. If there is trust in a relationship, you should be able to do what you want. You aren't responsible for making someone else jealous.
  
• Always make sure to show your partner that you appreciate him/her. Whether it's calling them to check in, say I love you, or just spend your Saturday night together. The possibilities are endless.
  
• Know when to say no, and know when time and space are actually constructive tools.
  It is not always a good idea to answer certain questions with absolute truth if they bring emotional harm. "Do you sometimes think about your ex?" and "do I look fat in these pants?" are both loaded questions. In a relationship, answer questions honestly, but with tact and grace. For example, "I think you have other pants that look better on you" is a helpful answer, instead of simply "they don't", or "they do make you look fat".
  Remember what you don’t do is as important as what you do.
  
• Avoid flirting with others, especially previous partners or coworkers. Doing so may spur romantic feelings for another. There is nothing wrong with having friends of a gender you are attracted to; just keep flirting out of the friendship.
  
• Tell your partner how you really feel about your ex and why you're no longer romantically involved. Don't ever lie or cheat on your partner, however one of those questions it's best not to answer totally honestly is "do you still think about your ex?" If you have fond memories, don't dwell on them, and assure your partner that while you occasionally remember places you went or things that happened, you are so much happier to be with your present partner. Period. Don't launch into a rehashing of the old days with the ex, or talk at length about the good times you had together or things you did together.
  
• 'It can help to learn the difference between Healthy and Unhealthy Relationships' - That way you can see potential problems as and when they arise (Remember - its likely you would see something Unhealthy at some point so don't be alarmed or shocked as there is no perfect relationship because we are all human and fallible). If you see something Unhealthy in your relationship try and work out why this is and see if you can work towards resolving it.
• Warnings:
• Keep your expectations about the relationship realistic. Marriage should not be on your mind if you've been dating for a week, for example. Nor should you think that the relationship is going to solve all of your problems, or that you'll never be lonely again, or anything like that. Relationships can be wonderful things, but be realistic about them. Just as one can feel lonely in a crowd, one can also feel lonely occasionally when in a relationship - that doesn't mean the relationship is bad, it only means you're feeling a little down. Don't ascribe too much importance to it unless these feelings linger and begin to dominate your days and nights. If this happens, seek help; you may be spiralling into a depression.
  
• Do not assume that any one relationship will be perfect. It is human to experience disagreements and emotional pain. Working past these issues may be an ongoing struggle.
  Do not call it quits when you do argue. When in a state of anger, we can not rationalize and often find ourselves losing control by saying things we don't mean. Hang in there and try to work it out before finalizing a break-up that you will regret afterwards. That said, if you find you are arguing more and more, examine the possible reasons, and talk it over together.
  
• There is no such thing as a PERFECT relationship. Sure, most of the time you'll be compromising. But don't get shocked or overly depressed because of arguments or fights. This will come for SURE. Without arguments and fights, your relationship will NOT grow stronger.

Labels: dating/relationships

• 
  Get chocolate. Who says you need someone to buy it for you? Get a box of chocolate and enjoy it. (Extra piece of information: Chocolate releases endorphins in the brain to make you feel good! So a little chocolate will actually improve your mood and make you feel better.)
  
• Send yourself roses or a fun candy bouquet. Order the set a couple weeks before Valentine's Day. Sign the card "From A Special Admirer." and send it for you to get on Valentine's Day. Even if you remember it's you who really sent it to yourself, it will still make your day.
  
• Spend time with those you love. Instead, spend time with different kind of love - your friends and your family. See a movie with some friends, eat dinner at the local diner with a handful of family, whatever you do, love is love, and Valentine's Day is there to represent it. You don't need to be in a romantic relationship to enjoy V-day.
  
• If you just got out of a bad relationship, a great idea of what to do for yourself is, make it a "Pamper Day" or an "All About You Day". Go spend some money on yourself. It's good to be a little selfish now and then. And when you see those red heart decorations or you hear a love song, think of yourself, and how much you love yourself.
  
• Don't feel sorry for yourself. This will just make the day depressing and dreaded. Instead, be excited for this day. After all, it only comes once a year! And it's still a holiday!
  Bake! Try out a fun recipe and spend time on it! And make it a goal to eat all yourself! Try this. Basically, it's a fast 10 minute way of making a cake!
  
• Do something nice for another person. Open a door for someone who needs it, volenteer at a church, buy a rose and give it to someone random on the street, whatever you do, will make you feel full of love inside.
  
• Visit somebody. A friend, a relative you haven't seen in a while, whoever it is, visit them. Offer to help out a little bit. This is your day, spend it on someone worth spending on.
  You can also stay inside. This simplest of all solutions is also the most difficult to carry out, if Valentine's Day is in the middle of your workweek or at the start of it—and your supervisor may not appreciate having half her work force call in sick on a busy Monday.
• But if you’re self-employed, by all means, lock your door, turn off all your lights, and wait until the day is over. Try to avoid this, but if your really this depressed, stay in.
  
• Don’t compare yourself to other people. If you’re the type who imagines folks secretly pointing at you on the street and laughing at your single status, you’re spending way too much time measuring yourself against supposedly happy, snuggling couples. Remember: just because a person is partnered up on V-Day doesn’t necessarily mean that he or she is blissed out (or even remotely contented).
  
• Use Valentines Day as an actively seek a partner day, so many places put on singles evenings so get your girlfriends or male friends together and head for a singles party. Who knows who you might meet?
  
• Bad attitudes really don't help anybody. They make you feel worse and certainly don't make other people want to be around you. Try and find different perspectives to look at so you can feel better. Find things to do, like taking a relaxing bath, reading a magazine, taking a art class. Channel the bad feelings away.
  
• You might be spending the day alone, but that doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy a little relationship imagination. Pick up Susan Minot’s novel "Rapture." It’s a story about an afternoon two lovers spend in bed. What the heck, you can spend the day in bed, too!

• If you're depressed because you're single, just remember that everything happens for a reason. Fate is a pretty powerful thing, and there are no coincidences. You are single right now for a good reason. Try and figure that reason out. Maybe you're holding yourself back and you just don't know it. Maybe it's time you've looked at your life from another perspectives so that you can open yourself up to a new relationship.
  
• Avoid thinking badly about couples. More than likely since you're single, you're going to be thinking "Ohh look at that weird couple.", or point out bad things or odd things about couples because you're jealous you're not in a relationship. You should instead celebrate their love. Think about this just one day, aside from their anniversary, that they get to truly celebrate their love too. Also, Another common thought is "Oh I wish I had a relationship like that.", but you have to think better and realize that you will get that some day. It will just take some time.
  
• To make your holiday a little more interesting, mix it up, by watching a Christmas movie, or a Halloween movie, try and remember other past holidays and incorporate it into one. It will take your mind off being single, and it's a great funny fun tip.
  
• Working on burning off that extra 5 pounds you put on over the holidays? Think chocolate is out of the question? Think again! Indulge your senses with this delicacy, but not by taste—try touch, sight and smell instead! Lather up with chocolate-bar soap from Amazon, while burning a chocolate-scented candle from Chocolate Sensations and soaking in hot chocolate bath salts available at FindGift. Spritz yourself with a little Tartine et Chocolat perfume found at Shopzilla. Then get cozy and pop in the movie "Chocolat."
  
• If you are alone on Valentine’s Day, think of it as an opportunity to focus on the presence of love. Train yourself to love you for once! It’s just as important as loving others.
  Valentine’s Day is meant for that special someone in your life. Who says that special someone can’t be you? You work hard for the money and, last I checked, St. Valentine wasn’t going steady with anyone. So spend the day treating yourself to indulgences the Saint himself would want you to have!

• Don't miss out on today just because you want to avoid it. Sleeping all day doesn't serve any purpose.
  
• Ever heard of Carpe-Diem? (It means Seize the Day!)

Labels: dating/relationships

• Say yes to every opportunity to learn, grow and meet new people.
  Be grateful for what you have. After the grieving period, focus on what you do have for example, good health and a good support system of family and friends.
  
• Don't be afraid to invest yourself in deep relationships with other people. You don't have to be dating somebody to have a intimate and fulfilling relationship with them. Don't be afraid to open up and be vulnerable sometimes.
  
• Decide for yourself if there are aspects of your life or your personality that you would like to change and do it. You are your best evaluator. You don't need to listen to those people who tell you that you are single because you are too "picky", too fat,or too old to meet someone else.
  
• Ignore the toxic people in your life. It is easy to recognize them. Their negative words of fear and discouragement sap your energy.
  
• Think about all the things you can do because you are now single. You could take off and go travelling without discussing it with somebody else. You can watch TV all day without being called lazy. You don't actually have to do these things but, sometimes, just the knowledge that you could is enough to make you feel great.
  
• Invest in yourself. Save some money and get a professional massage. Get a manicure and pedicure .... anything that nurtures your body and lifts your spirit.
  At times small things can tend to pull you way down. Try to see the beer mug half full instead of half empty, in other words try to see the brighter side of things.

• Look in your local newspaper for opportunities to join a service club or volunteer with an organization. Look in your church newsletter for church related activities if that makes you happy. Check the continuing education program at your local community college to see if there is a class that you would like to attend.
  
• Now that you are single, you will discover that there are some ignorant friends, family and neighbors who think that being single means you are desperate and stupid. Don't be offended. Just drop them from your close circle.
  
• Host a Singles Party. Ask single friends, male and female, to invite at least one other single friend.

• You can learn new things from anyone you could possibly meet, but be careful; choose people who teach you in a positive way rather than a negative one. Some lessons are better learned through observation, rather than experience. You are vulnerable but not stupid.
• Be wary of persons who need to borrow your money.
  
• Consult a therapist or your doctor if you are depressed. You can also build yourself up by pushing yourself - take classes at the community college that target your learning needs of self in some way (psychology, art, self-defense, women's studies, for ex.) That way if you aren't comfortable seeing a therapist yet, you can effectively learn about yourself without isolating yourself at the same time. This can also be done by attending religious services that you can trust. Self help books (Dr. Phil has a way of writing his books so that they can seem one-on-one with you) or the topics on Wiki How-To on personal growth can truly help you if you take the advice. This time of being single is also an excellent opportunity to reach out & become more family oriented. After all, this may be a time you need them most! Family isn't defined as, or limited to, only those to whom you are blood-related.

Labels: character

• 
  Avoid getting drunk at parties. Alcohol lessens inhibitions and decreases your awareness. Therefore, you are more likely to do things that you would not do while sober. It is best to stay lucid, especially in the company of people you barely know. You become easy prey for someone with bad intentions watching for someone to hit on.
  
• Always watch your beverage, even if it is soda. Keep it with you at all times- carry it with you to the bathroom if necessary. Date rape drugs like rohypnol ("roofies"), gamma-hydroxybutyrate (GHB), and ketamine can easily be mixed into drinks when you are not looking. Such drugs can cause you to lose consciousness.
  
• Once you lose sight of your drink, do not consume any more of it. You do not know whether a substance had been added to your beverage at the time of your absence. Get another drink. Date rape's not worth it.
  
• Avoid going into secluded areas with your date until you trust him/her. Go on double dates until you feel comfortable being alone with your boyfriend/girlfriend.
  Date people you are familiar with.
  
• Be clear about what you are seeking from your relationship. If you do not know, ask the person you are seeing to give you some time to figure things out. Do not lay around, flirt, or give them signs that you don't feel well. Do not let anyone pressure you into doing anything you do not feel is right.
  
• Avoid being alone with anyone who makes you uncomfortable. Your instincts will tell you which situations to remove yourself from. If you are invited to have tea or a drink with someone new- even during broad daylight DO NOT GO ALONE. Take a friend or friends with you- it can prevent many misunderstandings, and in many parts of the world it is okay to take friends with you without getting permission first- and even if it isn't okay, who cares? Take care of yourself first.
  
• Do not go to an apartment or hotel room if you do not know the person well, and don't let them follow you to your room. Once you are in their abode- or they in yours- it is much more difficult to extract yourself from a bad situation.

Tips:

• Trust your instincts! If you feel uncomfortable in any way DO NOT TRY TO NORMALIZE IT! Tell your date you are sick and about to puke, or get out of the situation some way. Never doubt your instincts or tell yourself the instinct is wrong or you misjudged him or her. Many people will look back and realize they had uncomfortable feelings before they had something bad happen.
  
• If all else fails drink water, or mix coke and sprite to look like a drink.
  Go to parties with a sober friend or a designated observer who is not drinking, who can keep an eye on you and make sure nothing bad happens.
  Always carry your own car keys so that you can always get away. They can also be used as weapons if need be.
  
• Carry enough cash for a cab ride home. Keep it as emergency cash and don't spend it. You may need it for other things, such as a being dumped on the side of a road or something. If you are in a foreign country, always have the name, front desk phone number and address of your hotel with you and written in a language that your cab driver can understand. Don't ever have your room number with that information. Leave information about where you were going, with whom, and when you should be back in your room- and how someone might find you.
  
• If you absolutely must, disable a would-be-rapist so that you can get away
• Be cautious of large punch bowls or drinks given to you by other people. It is very easy for people to slip drugs into them.
  
• Open your drink yourself.
  
• Don't share drinks.
  
• If you can see that they have condoms, or any other sexually oriented items that make you feel uncomfortable, don't say anything. Just get out of there!
  
• Don't go out with strangers.
  
• Call your parents if you are stranded somewhere- or a friend who will come and get you. What's the worst thing you parents can do compared to being raped, killed, or any other unfortunate things? Never feel that you can't call a parent or a close friend.
  
• Put a close friend, parent, or someone that is always concerned about you and would answer your calls, on speed dial. That way if you are ever in a compromising situation, you can just hit one number and call without anyone knowing.

Warnings:

• If he/she starts touching tell them forcefully to stop and walk away, preferrably to a place where there are other people.
  
• Always stay alert and aware of the situation you are in.
  In some cultures western women are perceived as "easy." This creates many problems for women who are traveling, and it creates an unexpected danger because you may not have done anything that you perceive as provocative. To be safe, NEVER ASSUME THAT THERE IS A NON-SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN A MAN AND A WOMAN- no matter what age- AND ACT ACCORDINGLY. In many cultures men and women are never casual, asexual friends, and if you assume there is a sexual undercurrent (even if it is the last thing you could imagine) you are be better prepared to protect yourself.
  If you are in a group, please look out for each other and don't let members of your group wander off alone or with someone unknown to the group.

Labels: things to avoid

• Keep all recriminations and pleading to yourself. Let's face it: done is done. You knew there was a risk getting involved with your pal, but you went ahead anyhow, and now s/he has cold feet, or wants to go back to the ex before you, or whatever. Take the news as gracefully as you possibly can, try not to cry over it - your friend (if s/he really is your friend) feels bad enough, and is probably scared of losing you.
  
• Understand that making this transition will not be easy. Let your friend know that you regret his/her decision, but will respect it out of love for your friendship. Tell him/her that you'll need him/her to respect your need for some space for the next little while.
  
• Write a letter with any things you felt have been left unsaid. Make it as long and sappy as you like. When you've finished it store it away somewhere far. This will let out some of your feelings and may help you understand them better
  
• Get to work. Following are the actual steps in helping yourself get through this and come out on the other side with your friendship intact. It may take up to a year; what you have to accept is that: during that time, it will be easier if you cut contact with your friend; and that it is something that must simply be endured, like a broken arm. Time away from your friend will help you make a line between your hope for what could have been, and the reality that now must be.
  
• Recognize that you need to talk about it so much more than your family/friends can stand to hear about it. You know you're obsessing, but you can't help yourself - you see them glazing over, and you're helpless to stop. And you notice, after a while, talking about it doesn't really help anyhow. Do allow yourself to talk it out for the first two or three weeks, but if you are still hurting after that: Find one good friend - your sister, brother, or pal, and talk to her/him from time to time. Not EVERY time you see them, if you can help it. But at least you will have one or two people you can occasionally vent to.
  
• Allow yourself at least a half hour every day to grieve your loss. You have to go on with life, otherwise you will lose your job, flunk out of school, lose all your other friends, whatever.

• Knowing that you will give yourself at least half an hour at some point today to think about this will help you get through until you can sit alone and do it.
  
• Come up with the mental image you will use to box up and eventually purge your emotions. For some, it can be collecting images into a box and throwing them overboard, for our example, we will use a mentally conjured bonfire, on a mentally conjured beach. It is here that you will allow yourself to feel and grind on your emotions over and over for the next little while. Try to confine your grieving to this scenario, while going through the rest of your day without dwelling on it excessively.
  
• Sit in a room alone, preferably a dark one, and begin building a mental image of being on a beach at night. Now you're all alone in your room, in the dark. You have the time to just sit and process your grief, away from others, away from the world. Imagine every detail of that beach as vividly as you possibly can. Hear the waves pounding the sand. Feel the sand, damp and slightly cold on your bare feet, let your toes squish down in it. See a fire pit in front of you. Hear the seagulls crying as they fly over. Feel the breeze coming from the ocean. Make it seem as real and vivid as you can.
  
• Build a bonfire. Now light your bonfire in the fire pit. See the reddish orange glow illuminating the lifeguard stand nearby, feel the heat on your legs and body as the fire builds. Hear the crackling and popping. Smell the smoke. Feed that fire now - images of you and your friend when you were together, snapshots in your mind of all the places you went, all the things you did as lovers. Add artifacts (gifts you gave, or were given) mentally, see these things go up in smoke, burning away. Watch as the photos you mentally lay on that fire burn up. Put gifts on the fire, let them burn. Favorite articles of clothing. Smells you associate with your friend.
  
• Let it burn. Let it out. Cry if you feel like it. Let your tears flow as you watch these things burn away. It is key that you 'burn' only memories that have romantic attachments - not the things you do together as friends. You want to feel the love and affection of friendship when you're through, but you want to rid yourself of the unwanted romantic attachments and associations.

• Allow the fire to be as big as your love - let it be huge. After all, this is a mental exercise, you are not going to physically burn things (unless you really want to - and if that IS what you wish to do, definitely do it in a firepit or other safe place).
  
• Repeat as often as necessary until you feel "Burned Out." That's right. If you need a week, that's fine. If you need a month of nightly 'bonfires,' fine. Or a year. You take the time you need to repeat this process until you no longer feel a need to do it. 'Burned out' is a great way to look at it. Some may consider this an obsessive approach. However, this author, while not a mental health expert, believes that allowing yourself to feel your emotions obsessively, if necessary, to the extent described here can be healthy. It allows you to give yourself permission to process your feelings, really feel them without repressing or suppressing them, and to symbolically purge yourself of them eventually, while still allowing you to go about your everyday life.
  
• When you're done, let the fire die. As you realize you no longer feel a 'burning' compulsion to talk about it, dwell on it, or continue your meditations on your feelings, you will know it's time to let it go. Picture the fire getting smaller - you have run out of fuel to feed it. Allow yourself to continue watching as the fire dwindles and becomes small. It may be helpful for you to now think of the beach beginning to be lit by the coming dawn - imagine a pinkish tinge in the sky, and encourage yourself to feel the hope of a new day being born. As the sun rises above the sea's horizon, see the fire going out, and all the embers turning to white ash.
  
• Send the ashes to heaven. See yourself reaching into the pit and retrieving some ashes. This is the last time you're going to allow yourself to dwell on this - you want your friend back now. Not as a lover. As your friend. So it's time to let it all go. Take the ashes in your hands, and walk to the surf. Feel the waves lapping at your ankles, the cool of the water against your skin. Imagine the wind gently blowing at your back. Hold your hands out. They contain the ashes - this represents What You Leave Behind. Open your hands, and let the ashes begin to be blown. Lean forward and blow them into the wind, into the surf, let them fly to heaven. Let your tears flow - this is the end of this chapter in your life. To give it a more final feel, wipe your tears away, sense the ashes mingling in your tears. Then reach down into the clean water of the ocean, and wash them. Splash some water into your face, feel the coolness, the feeling of being cleansed, taste the salt, smell the tang of the salt. Stand up, hold your head up. Think about your friend, and how you love him or her. Do not allow yourself to dwell on any painful feelings of attachment, only your friendly affection.
  
• Walk out of the surf, turn your back on your firepit, and walk away down the beach. This is the final, deliberate mental image you want - you have had your time to grieve. You've indulged your anger, sense of loss, and need to obsess by picturing every detail, every memory of that romance you ever had cross your mind burning away in that cleansing fire. Now you see yourself leaving it behind as you walk into the dawn of a new day. Picture your heart, no longer raw, no longer bleeding from a huge wound. Think of it with a little white spot - a scar, you were hurt, but now it's healing. Let yourself feel clean and ready to move ahead. If you need a little time to acclimate to this new feeling before contacting your friend again, take whatever time you need.
  
• From this point on, do not engage in destructive memories. When you feel tempted to remember the failed romance, replace that memory with a good memory of your friend. Remember a time you laughed together, or s/he came to your mom's birthday party, or you told him or her a big secret about some other crush you had. Allow yourself only constructive thoughts about that relationship - do NOT revisit the romance again. You're done.
  
• Call or write your friend. Tell him or her you're ready to resume your friendship. Meet someplace neutral, and keep it short for the time being. Have coffee or pie - maybe lunch, so it isn't open-ended. Keep the first few visits brief so you have time to re-establish 'normal' with your friend.

Tips:

• It's going to feel a little awkward when you first come together again. That's to be expected. Give it time.
  
• Plan semi-regular outings so you can get used to being friends again.
  It may be so awkward or stiff at first that your friend's guilt may prompt him/her to try to opt out of the friendship. This can take the form of you being the one to call all the time, him/her not returning calls, etc. If this happens, just wait a week or two, and call again, leaving a nice, amiable message if they don't answer. Don't pressure or push, just let them know you miss them and want to get together soon.
  
• If the tension is so thick you can cut it with a knife, acknowledge it. "This is going to be tough, but I'm not letting you go. You've been a good friend to me. You will be again, I know it. I'm still your friend, and I'm here for you. Let's just not give up."
  
• Any self-recrimination your friend does should be met with calm reassurances by you. "I feel so bad, I know you got hurt.." You say, "It's okay. I'm flattered you had enough feelings for me to even try that type of relationship with me - we didn't make it, but it's enough for me if we can just be friends."
  
• Any talk of "Sorry about the way it ended, we should never have done that," etc., must be dismissed immediately, and both of you should accept responsibility (not allow just one of you to take the blame). Say, "Done is done. We both knew that was a risk, we both took the risk. It didn't work out for us that way, but we're still friends. Let's just acknowledge that and move on."
  
• If you and your ex-lover realize you're both having the same romantic feelings again, really think it through and about what's going to happen before you jump into anything a second time. If you try again and it doesn't work out, there may be no way to recover the friendship again.
  
• Don't rule out the "ebb and flow" of life. Many friendships are closer for a while, then drift away for awhile over your lifetime. If this is "ebb time" don't force it. Just let it drift and send a Christmas card. It may be that the friendship is un-salvageable, and if that turns out the be the case, it's okay to let it go. You tried.

Warnings:

• Do not entertain the notion of being "friends with benefits." If you were in love, and your friend wasn't, this will only end in tears, and you will lose your friend.
  
• Do not get possessive or aggressive when re-establishing your friendship. This is going to take patience for both of you, and if you rush it, you'll blow it. If your friend seems to be 'ditching' you at times, let him/her. Just as you needed time and space, your friend may need some breathing room, too. Just leave a nice message, like, "Hey it's me. Hadn't heard back from you, so I'm guessing you're busy. No worries - give me a call when you have a minute and we'll chat. Maybe have lunch, whatever. Talk to you soon."

Things to do:

• Time
  
• Patience
  
• A good imagination
  
• Willingness to relive painful memories
  
• Willingness to let go of painful memories
  
• Pie or coffee money
  
• A good friend
  
• Persistence

Labels: dating/relationships